Kristen's Site-Producing Napalm from my Basement Since 1992

Thursday, June 09, 2005

The Madame Tussauds Lie

You may or may not have heard about Madame Tussauds. If you've been to London, Amsterdam, New York, Las Vegas or Hong Kong, chances are you've seen the glossy brochure in your hotel lobby on the way back from a shitty continental breakfast. Maybe you've even entertained thoughts of going. "Hell, I'd like to have my picture taken with a wax figurine of George Clooney." It sounds kind of fun, doesn't it? But you couldn't be more wrong, my friend.

I first heard about Madame Tussauds Wax Museum when looking through an old roommate's pictures of Europe. Another boring cathedral, generic monument, and then- BAM! There's a snapshot of her with Samuel L. Jackson! "I didn't know you met Shaft!" I exclaimed excitedly. "He is one bad motherfucker!"

"Uh, yeah, he is a bad mother. I met him at..um...Heathrow." She eyed me carefully. Then she burst out laughing. Seems she couldn't keep the charade going anymore, she was laughing too hard. Turns out she actually had gone to some sort of celebrity wax museum in London and got her picture taken with a replica of the guy. She explained that the trick to fooling people into thinking you've actually met the celebrity is to find a celebrity famous enough that everyone recognizes them, but no so famous that it's completely implausible that you'd ever get within ten feet of them, let alone a picture. Enter Samuel L. Jackson. And ever since then, I eagerly anticipated the day when, I too, could have my picture taken with no-so-real-looking likenesses of my favourite stars.

And that day came, rest assured. The mile long lineups outside of Madame Tussauds only served to heighten the anticipation. Like millions of people, I was tricked into believing that long lineups signify something worth waiting for (And if we're being honest, Disneyland and Krispy Kreme doughnuts aren't that fucking good). When we got to the door and paid our 12 pounds sterling (Canadian dollar equivalent- maybe twenty five, thirty dollars? A king's ransom, at any rate.), I couldn't wait to get beyond the doors and begin the adventure (Well, okay, I didn't think it would really be an adventure. I just thought it would be good ol' touristy fun)

An hour later, I walked out-dazed, hurt, pissed off, reeling from the shock of it all. There were hundreds of people there, so many people you could barely get in to get a picture with your faveourite celeb, and if you did , there was always someone walking right into it, ruining the picture, because of the chaotic, crowded layout. Or lack therof- the wax figures are just thrown into a room randomly, and people are milling all around them. You are literally shoulder to shoulder with hundreds of other disgruntled, camera-wielding tourists. They charge extra money to get your picture taken with the big ticket stars, like Posh and Becks. No big deal for us, but to Brits they're royalty. Speaking of, you weren't allowed to take pictures with the likenesses of the royal family. Even in wax, the class system prevails.

After we had toured the room of haphazardly placed figurines, most of whom we couldn't manage to get close to, we were somewhat disappointed. We escaped to the only thing that could redeem Madame Tussauds at this point - The Super Scary brand-new bone chilling Chamber of Horrors! With live actors! Not for children, or the faint of heart! Or pregant women! You'll have nightmares! That's what we were promised.

We should have expected disappoint when we had to pay a seperate fee to get into the Super scary Chamber of Horrors. "But I thought it was included in the main ticket price!" We protested. A bored looking employee explained to us that while the regular Chamber of Horrors was indeed included in the ticket price, this was the Super Scary Chamber of Horrors (with live actors!) and thus a seperate and equally exorbitant fee must be paid. So we did.

What followed was a two minute walk through what could only be described as some sort of amateur haunted 'dungeon', with that generic Halloween tape of 'spooky' sounds playing loudly, drowned out only by the occasional poorly face-painted live actor approaching you and screaming and yelling in your face, trying to scare you. We emerged, uncomfortable and feeling voliated, desperately craving our personal space and a little quiet back.

We then snaked up through narrow hallways and staircases, ears still ringing, only to emerge in the giftshop (Did we want a 20 dollars mug to remind us of the experience for a lifetime?). As we walked out into the street, feeling ripped off, we saw hordes of other eager looking tourists, waiting to get in, which is why I come to you now with a plea- Don't buy into the Madame Tussauds lie. Spread the word. Whether you're in London or the Dam, the Big Apple or the City of Sin..be warned. Madame Tussauds will use and abuse you, rape and degrade you..and no, they won't even call you the next day.

Posted at 4:53 am by kris1O
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Friday, May 13, 2005

Back for round two

Guess what? I didn't die...I've just been backpacking in Europe. I think I gave fair warning about it beforehand. Anyways, I think I might start blogging again. I could tell you a tale about a Moroccan Jackie Chan impersonator who tried to extort money from us in front of a crowd of onlookers, or I could tell you about the dead hobo in Madrid. The point is, I have things to say now. I'm, you know, worldly and shit. I haven't updated in seven months, just long enough so I can officially call this a 'comeback'. Cool.

Posted at 12:25 pm by kris1O
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Friday, November 12, 2004

I'm going to blow up ICBC. Who's in?

The date for renewing my car insurance is fast approaching, and I have 3 unpaid tickets (and that one in Alberta, but they don't know about that yet) which I cannot pay. So I get on the phone and call ICBC, because I'm told that they can help you out and offer a payment plan if you can't pay it all up front. So I call them up, and inquire about that, only to be told that if I do that I have to pay my entire year's worth of insurnace right now. For me, that's like over three grand. So if I don't have $600 offhand to pay all my three tickets, what the hell makes them think I have three grand? So I tell the lady that I can't afford to pay that either, to which she tells me the dates which I got the tickets, and says how I should have thought of this before, and paid them already. "You had plenty of time to pay them in the last couple of months", she says. Now how the fuck does some bitch on the other end of a phone know when I should be paying my tickets, and is it any of her business to lecture me about finances?

So we go down to the insurance place, only to be told the same thing, pretty much. Only this lady was not only lecturing us about how we should've paid the tickets already, but how I shouldn't be speeding in the first place. Only when she had me in tears did she finally stop. She also went on and on about how my licence will be affected by this, I'm going to have to pay or lose my licence, or go to traffic school. Both of them didn't seem to understand how I hadn't already paid my tickets. I didn't bother to explain that two of the three happened while I was off work for two months. But then I'm sure they would've both insisted that maybe I shouldn't have taken two months off work when I had fines to pay, and then it would have gotten ugly. At any rate, if you can't help me because of policy and your hands are tied, and all that, then fine...I'm a big girl, I can understand that. But don't fucking lecture about what I should be doing with my money, that's just condescending and unnecessary, and makes me wanna gouge my eyes out, or yours. So what ended up happening, is that we spent our rent and bill money on paying these fines, which means that when we get evicted or get our heat shut off and start to freeze, we can go live in the car, because that's all paid up now.

But I'm not bitter about it or anything, because of recent events in our ghetto ass building, it might be better to live in the car. The residents of the building have been in an uproar since the other night, when eight cars in the underground parking lot were broken into in one night. The car park was a sea of broken glass. This isn't the first time they've hit cars in our underground parking lot, it's a weekly event, with a knifepoint mugging every so often, but eight in one night is getting excessive. The angry mob that day was saying how our building is a joke among local criminals and gangs because it's so easy to break into. They're giving the landlord one month to install some cameras or proper locks down there before maybe considering a rent strike. There's a big meeting for all the neighbours in week or so, so perhaps there will be some resolution. I'm mostly worried about our apartment getting broken into, cause we live on the ground floor, and as someone pointed out, if thieves can continually break into our parking without hassle or consequence, then how long before they start breaking into the apartments?

Another thing that's pissing me off today? Husband and wife real estate teams (Yes, I'm talking to you, Steve and Blondie). It's just lame, that's why. So.....stay away from me today, I'm deadly.

Posted at 10:18 am by kris1O
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Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Except for vague lesbian references, this is a very dull post

So I'm hoping everyone had a good Halloween this year. I went to Monster's Ball at the Mirage this year, which was okay, but the club was ridiculously over capacity. I hate it when that happens because you can't even move and it smells like sweat. I was however, very pleased with the number of hot girls dressed as Pussycat Dolls. Well done, ladies. The girl who won the prize for sexiest costume was a fairy and she was topless, only wearing body paint. Anyways, next year, I think I wanna dress as a transvestite and go see Rocky Horror in Vancouver, and throw shit at the screen. And then maybe light off some fireworks.

And so it's official...Bush is in. We all knew it was going to happen, but it's still unfortunate. I guess there's a lot more rednecks riding to the polls in the back of pickup trucks than you think. And even after the Bin Laden tape, Bush still prevailed.....even terrorists were endorsing Kerry! But hey, no worries for us, we're from Canada, where I can still get high and marry some chick, and do it all legally!

So this weekend is my Grandma's 60th birthday, and she's having a big suprise party. Now that probably doesn't sound exciting to most people, but you don't know my Grandma. This'll be a huge party with lots and lots of alcohol. Probably we'll all end up here, too. Fun stuff.

If my lazy friend Christina ever sends me pictures of us at the bar on Sunday, I'll post them, but she is really lazy, so ...yeah. We'll see. Anyways, off to work for the day, what else is new?

Posted at 10:04 am by kris1O
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Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Last night was good, unclean fun

Nothing to say.... nothing but a funny picture of Leon for you.

I'm learning to put pictures on the computer from my digital camera....aren't you proud?

Posted at 10:13 am by kris1O
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Thursday, October 21, 2004

I went to Banff and all I got was a speeding ticket

So I'm back from the land of temperatures below freezing and snow in October. It was interesting considering we didn't have any music the entire drive there and back, so I think Sue is now in the coveted spot of person I know absolutely everything about. Luckily I'm a person with a lot to say and a lot of questions to ask. The highlights of the trip were: Making Sue the vegan eat at an Alberta steakhouse with stuffed buffalo heads on the wall, getting even more falling down drunk than usual because of the altitude, and a guy who did the best card tricks I've ever seen. Anyways, it was a pretty good time all around...there were a lot of cool people that we met and it completely reminded me of why I loved living there when I did. I was pretty sad that I had to leave, but obviously I have bigger things to look forward to.

So you know how I'm always making fun of the apartment building I live in? If you're not aware, it's ghetto central...crackheads are always hanging out, hoodlums are always lurking about...it's pretty bad. Anyways, a few weeks ago, I put all my empty cans and bottles that I've accumulated in the last couple of months into my trunk in grabage bags and boxes, with the intent of taking them to the recycling depot for cash. It was closed, so I figured I'd do it another day. The next day, I needed the trunk space, so I took out all the cans and bottles and put them in the little area in front of my parking space in the underground parking lot. A lot of people in the building store stuff by their parking spots because in an apartment, it's not like you have a garage or a shed or anything, and there's a bit of room in front of your car spot. So I guess I left the cans and bottles there for a few days before we noticed that they were gone. Someone actually stole them and I'm guessing took them down to the bottle depot to collect the seven dollars themselves. I think I laughed for about half an hour about that. Who would steal garbage bags full of empties? My neighbours! Although there have been a ton of break ins lately, so it's just as likely that it's one of our local thieves. In fact, there have been so many vandalisms and car thefts from our underground parking that it prompted our resident vigilante in the building (who got his old Camaro stolen last week) to post sign down in the underground saying the following: "Attn: Thieves....I will get you. I will not call the police. You will be mine." No word on whether the thieves are actually frightened by the signs. You couldn't make this stuff up.

I'm really undecided about whether or not I should go see this movie. On the one hand, I don't want to be out of the loop on the dinner party cicuit being the only one not having seen it, and it looks wicked and terrifying. On the other hand, I'll make a spectacle of myself at the theater by screaming out loud, and I won't be able to sleep for weeks. Maybe months. I already have big kitchen knife in my bedside table. I don't know, kids. I'd say 'we'll see', but I hate it when people say that.

Soooo.....everyone go get America: the book by the Daily Show people. If you like the show, you'll love the book. (I get 3% commission). Or you could just borrow it from me. Hey, if Wal Mart won't sell it, you know it's gotta be good.

Anyways, have a great Thursday. I'm sure I won't..I'm working and can't watch Survivor. Sad face.

Posted at 9:57 am by kris1O
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Thursday, October 14, 2004

This post is somewhat...explicit. Proceed with caution. Ha. ha.

Hi everyone! Yeah, it's certainly been awhile...I like to wait a good six weeks between entries lately. Anyways, I'll try and make a nice long post for you. So what do we want first, world news or Kristen news? Let's talk about me first. I'm going to Europe, yeah, that's old news, the plane tickets are taken care of, thanks to Rick and his parents, and the plans are fully underway. So as the departure date draws closer and closer, expect this blog to turn into nothing more than an impatient countdown to the Europe trip. Obnoxious, I know, but I've been waiting to do this my whole life, so bear with me. But enough of making you mofos sick with jealousy...

Has anyone seen the new Lindsay Lohan video? I watched On Set on Much Music, where they were making the video for her first single, Rumors. Now, I love Lindsay Lohan. She's fucking hot as hell. In fact, not last week, I bought GQ magazine because she was on the cover, and I hate GQ (To be fair, there was also an interview with Jon Stewart in there that I wanted to read). Anyways, I had high hopes for her musical career. Alas, those hopes were dashed upon seeing her video. I picture some record execs in suits sitting around pitching ideas to her production team..."Okay, Lindsay, we're gonna do a video where you're being chased by the paparazzi, that's a fresh concept. You're being harassed by photographers, or at least, actors playing photographers, you're with your girlfriends. You're all scantily clad..maybe on your way, to, I don't know...say...a nightclub! That's perfect! You wanna go there and dance, and let loose....you're not old enough to drink yet, so we'll just have you dancing in a cage...maybe you escape the paparazzi and get into..I don't know..what could we throw in here? Come on..creative juices....how about- get this- a Navigator? Has that been done before? A black Lincoln Navigator? Maybe we could tint the windows? This is just coming together! This video is gonna be hot!"
Anyways, if you haven't seen the video, you have no idea what I'm talking about..but basically the entire thing goes down as though she walked up to a director, threw some cash at him, and said "Give me the most cliche video you possibly can for a young teen pop star who has ust come into her own!" The song itself is already Lindsay's sexy raspy-voiced homage to Britney's "Overprotected" and "My Prerogative", the underlying theme being that the spotlight can be so tough; the media so cruel. The world's smallest violin playing just for you, Lindsay.

So if you managed to find something other than the presidential debates on tv last night, my kudos to you..it seemed to be on every channel, except the home shopping network, but really, you can only take so much Joan Rivers. I didn't watch the whole thing, cause I was out having the most perfect night ever (more about that later), but I did catch a bit where they were talking about homosexuality being a choice, and gay marriage. Now why the fuck did John Kerry have to mention Mary Cheney right away? In response to one of the questions, he answered, "Well, I think if you ask Dick Cheney's daughter, who is a lesbian, if homosexuality is a choice..."and so forth or something to that effect. I think that was unecessary, and had no relevance to what was being asked. Kerry went out of his way to point out that a republican's daughter was openly gay, and that just seems tacky and insulting. I don't know why, but I expected better. Obviously, though, he is still the lesser of two evils, and hopefully the American public will realize that.

But I know you want to know why yesterday was so perfect! After a long boring day at work, I jetted to Megan's where we drove to the Vancouver location of our spa, and we went in there and didn't tell them we were staff...It's so much nicer than the location we work at, this one has spectacular ocean and city views...We just relaxed, ate fruit, kicked back in our robes. We then had the best hour long massages ever in the couples suite! After that, we lounged, steamed, then did our hair and got our makeup done and went out for a fabulous dinner downtown. It was such a relaxing and fun day...We're going to do it all over again next month!

One of the work girls come back into work tomorrow after a two week absence to get breast implants. I'm very excited. Don't think that I'm not going to touch them!

So I'm gonna maybe try and squeeze in one more update before I head up to Banff with Sue on Saturday, but I'm working lots before then, so if I don't manage to update, then I'll be back sometime on Wednesday or Thursday with lotsa stories! Well, I promised you a long post, and man, did I deliver...

Posted at 9:55 am by kris1O
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Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Love me for my money

Well, interesting week it's been. Thousands of Republicans have descended upon New York City...all crowded into Madison Square Garden. It gives me the chills to see so many idiots packed into one place. Oh, did I say that out loud? Anyway, the lack of celebrity support is more than made up for by the abundance of cowboy hats seen at the event.

Anyways, on to happier and more relevant (to me, at least) topics. Just when you think that your bad luck is never ending, and nothing's going right, the universe has a way of evening things out. And it came to me in the form of a cheque for $2500. It's from ICBC for some pain and suffering I apparently suffered a month or two ago from that car accident. Let me tell you, a couple of days of stiffness and muscle soreness and the occasional migraine, does not, in my eyes, qualify you for a handout, especially not $2500 but hell, I'll take it. It bothers me on a certain level, because this is why we pay so much car insurance every month, because of people who get hurt and expect money..I mean, shit happens..but oh well..the money will definitely come in handy.

So the minute I get this cheque I'm going to buy a digital camera. I don't know anything about them...but I'm damn excited. So look forward to pictures, pictures, pictures!

Well, I thought I had a lot more to say, really, I did. But apparently not. Meh..you know you'll be back.

Posted at 6:09 pm by kris1O
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Wednesday, August 25, 2004

The times, they have changed.

Coming home late on Monday, I went through a roadblock and the first thing the cop says to me is that I look familiar. Here we go, I thought. He then looked at my licence and said my name and address out loud and asked me again where he knew me from. Then before I answered he said, "You had that crazy house party, that time!" The crazy thing is that this is the second time a police officer has recognized me for one of my high school parties. I even remembered this cop's name, on account of this particular party he was talking about involved a small claims court case that he had to testify at, along with me and three of my girlfriends. Wild times. He then suggested I get in trouble more often so we would run into each other more, which was extremely creepy. But at least he didn't notice or care that I didn't have my new driver's sign displayed.

So yesterday, some long time family friends come over. Their daughter used to be my best friend. From about the age of five until about, I dunno, seventeen, we were inseperable. The friendship didn't end badly or anything, we just grew into vastly different people. So I hadn't seen her in about a year or so, maybe even longer, and she came over with her parents. And we're sitting around reminiscing, when all of a sudden, she remembers this time capsule we made when we were fourteen. It was up in the attic crawlspace in my old bedroom closet. I've sinced moved out of that bedroom, and my parent's house, for that matter, but the little taped up shoebox was still up there. We got up on a chair, and got a flashlight and grabbed it down and prepared for a trip down memory lane. Some of the contents of the time capsule were: an embarassing and funny booklet given to us in grade five about puberty and growing up, several photobooth pictures of ourselves, my Little Mermaid dangly earrings, our old Brownie pins, the Sister Act soundtrack, some old letters and cards and stuff, and magazine pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio. Also, we wrote out what we looked like at the time, how tall we were, our favourite foods, and movies, and friends, etc. It was pretty cool to read. Apparently when I was fourteen, I wanted to be a famous chef or a lawyer and have 2 kids and grow up and marry the aforementioned Leonardo DiCaprio (I was obsessed). But all in all, it was pretty cool seeing what you used to be like when you were young and naive.

The one thing about the little shoebox that was kinda sad was where me and my old best friend read our future plans, which were to move in together and go to the same college..and now we don't even talk. Makes you think, ya know.

Posted at 5:31 pm by kris1O
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Saturday, August 21, 2004

I Love Boys

The other day, I saw one of those thirteen-year-old boys that is paid to stand out on the busy street corner in front of Little Caesar's Pizza and hold up that big cardboard sign that says, "Hot n' Ready, $5.00" Now, I'm not even gonna get into the social implications of a pre-pubescent boy holding a suggestive sign such as that, though it does say, in small print somewhere on the sign, something about a pepperoni pizza or some shit. But anyways, this particular boy was actually hopping from one foot to the other and waving the sign frantically about, looking miserable all the while. Now really, isn't this kid's job humiliating enough? And you know he's probably not even getting paid minimum wage. He's like the manager's son or something. They probably don't even pay him, they give him a hot n ready five dollar pizza at the end of his shift. Anyway, what do I care, kids today are little punks anyway.

What's up with the rain, eh. I'm supposed to go to a zany friend's pool party tomorrow, but pool parties and rain don't mix, like milk and vodka (Don't ever, ever try to make a vodka milkshake)
Unless by pool party, he meant billiards. I'm always up for a game of eight ball. Rain or shine.

I'm bored of updating. Funny, isn't it, cause I really don't do it all that often. By the way, Rick, the he-man ghost? Orko.

Perhaps I'll write tomorrow, a lovely entry filled with hilarious stories of a rousing billiards party, or maybe I won't write anything for a few weeks. It's a crap shoot. We shall see.

Posted at 5:43 pm by kris1O
Well, someone's reading this